Delilah (the wife of Sampson)
When you long to change your husband (and the power of our words)
“And when she pressed him hard with her words day after day, and urged him, his soul was vexed to death.” (Judges 16:16)
Scriptures for further reading and study:
And she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and you have not told me where your great strength lies.” And when she pressed him hard with her words day after day, and urged him, his soul was vexed to death. And he told her all his heart, and said to her, “A razor has never come upon my head, for I have been a Nazirite to God from my mother’s womb. If my head is shaved, then my strength will leave me, and I shall become weak and be like any other man.”
Nagging. It can be over something so small—maybe we wish our husband would fix the faucet, or put the toilet seat down. Or larger issues—like we feel he speaks too quickly or wish he’d notice the children more.
In this case, what Sampson is doing, is good. He’s called to walk in this way, to guard this Nazarite vow, that has been his since birth. His calling, like that in Proverbs 31:4, “It is not for kings,”…is specific. There are specific things God has called him to do and not do. Specific instructions for him to obey in order to walk in all that God has for him, that require him not to join in “certain ways he used to walk.” (1 Peter 4:4) Sampson knew this. And though Sampson has a history of backsliding and falling into things he shouldn’t, deep within, it seems he knew his calling.
Hopefully, none of us would have such ill-intent as Delilah, to purposefully seek to harm our husbands. But Delilah still offers us a word of caution.
How many times have we longed to change something about our husband? Maybe we’re out with “our own people.” Or we’re with family, and they say something about our husband. Or we’ve spent time away from the house, we’ve seen other houses or heard of other friends’ husbands. Or maybe we’ve scrolled through social media long enough to see all the other wives bragging about things their husbands have done for them. And we return to our home and fully aware that our husbands don’t measure up. They don’t blend in with those “other husbands” that our sisters or friends married. So we return home and immediately, we want to ‘fix’ something about our husband. Or we wish he was like our dad or brother…or even that he had a different calling.
For the first ten years of marriage, I watched in shock again and again as my husband seemed oblivious to the broken car or the running toilet or the mouse hole behind the sink. How could he not notice? And if he did notice, how could he leave it alone? For all my life, I’d grown up having a “Mr. Fix-It” as a father. The fact that my husband could ignore a dripping faucet like it was nothing—shocked me. And on more than a few occasions, I let him know.
I nagged. I complained. My words wore on him. I wanted him to ‘be like my people.’ I wanted him to match my expectations. But one day, in a moment of revelation, the Lord showed me as clear as day: your husband is not your dad.
All those years, I’d never realized that the calling God had for my husband was different than my own father. In our case, a call to preach and be in the word sometimes meant the toilet that needed repair would have to wait. A call to be available 24/7 to the saints, often meant yardwork would be neglected for yet another weekend. But as I began to see who my husband was in Christ, I started realizing how his calling was changing lives. His preaching, lifting souls. No, he wasn’t my dad, but he was called to something different… and his calling was beautiful.
And do you know, as soon as I realized this and dropped all my nagging, suddenly he began to make time for a few house repairs? First small ones in makeshift ways, and then a broken washer, a broken dryer–even a full hot water tank replacement. Today, in our twentieth year of marriage, he is often repairing things around the house. But it started when I stopped nagging and started noticing.
Sisters, throughout scripture, there are busy Marthas, and still Marys. There are timid Andrews and bold Peters. Each has a role and calling.
Have you seen your husband’s gifting? Have you noticed the call that God has upon his life? Or certain areas where he serves that always seem blessed? Where he just seems to thrive and shine a little brighter? Notice these. Affirm these. Your words speak volumes.
He is not your Philistine friends. He is not from the same tribe as your family. His culture and ways and history and traditions and calling are unique to him. Do you see and value these? Or do you wear him down with your words, nagging, day after day, trying to drain away his power, to turn him into someone he is not?
Of course, as we live and grow together, we will see real problems. But we remember, our husbands are to be won, “without a word,” as they observe our “pure and respectful behavior.” (1 Peter 3:1-2) and we commit it back to the Lord. We remember Esther, who spoke up, “at just the right time,” and we watch and pray for that opportunity to share.
But we don’t nag. We don’t seek to destroy or change the one “for whom Christ died,” (Romans 14:15) to match our own cultural standards and ideas. We will destroy them. We will cause them to lose their power if we do—their power to be men, to serve, to be strong in the Lord, to walk in all that God has caused them to do. Be so very careful to tread this way.
May the Lord give us words to bless, affirm, and strengthen our husbands in the call and gifting that God has placed on their life.
Other thoughts for meditation and discussion:
- Think of several people you know (your husband, your children, others in the church). Be sure to include a few people who you don’t especially like ;). Have you seen their gifting? If you can’t think of something immediately, consider adding them to a prayer list and asking the Lord to show you. Yes, do this first for your husband, but it’s also extremely valuable to begin thinking of others in your church community this way also. God tells us in 1 Corinthians 14 that, “When you come together, each of you has…” and that he has set “each individual member [of the body] where he wants them. (1 Corinthians 12:18) How does this change the way we see our husbands, our children? and other brothers and sisters in the church?
- How did Delilah’s constant nagging affect her husband? What may have led to this?
- Do we have any “Philistine” friends that influence the way we see or speak about our husbands?
- Consider a word study on speech, our words, edification, or the tongue. Proverbs is wonderful for this, but the New Testament has several verses that would be wonderful to memorize.
