Esther (the wife of Xerxes)
When you’re deeply burdened
Scriptures for further study:
- Esther 4:16
- 1 Peter 3:1-18
“Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my young women will also fast as you do. Then I will go to the king, though it is against the law, and if I perish, I perish.” Esther 4:16 ESV
How often we want to rush to our husbands with our trouble. Sometimes there is a trouble so deep, it affects our soul, our body, even our families. Maybe it concerns something they have done, or some way they have hurt us. Maybe they made a bad decision, and your soul is deeply troubled. Everything in us longs to go and rush and pour out our hearts and say, “Help!” “I need you” “How could you have done this!”
And yet if we do this, it could mean death. There could be such a great reaction. Of course, we hope (and often expect) our husbands are such men of God, they should be able to take our exasperated hearts. They should understand. They should be willing to listen, and have a good response to our outcry. Sometimes, by God’s grace, they may. But the reality is that no man, no matter how spiritual, likes to be attacked with his faults and shortcomings. Peter alludes to this when he instructs the wives to walk in such a way that their husbands may be won “without a word” by the example of their wives. Our husbands, wonderful as they may be, are not God. We can’t come and just throw our burdened hearts upon them and expect it will all work out perfectly. No, often, it will just make the situation worse. And here, we learn from our sister Esther.
If anyone had reason to be burdened, it was Esther. Haman, her husband’s right-hand man, has just ordered the execution of the Jews. Her own people and family. Her uncle/cousin Mordecai,(who was probably more like a Dad), is appealing for her to intervene. She could come and throw herself on the king, but it’s dangerous, who knows how he’ll respond. And sisters, with us, is this not often the case? Maybe it’s a money matter Maybe you’ve seen an old sin resurface in your husband’s life. Maybe something he’s done or said has hurt you or someone else. These are weighty matters. They’re not easy for anyone to talk through. If you bring something like this up, you really have no idea what the reaction may be. (Or maybe you do have an idea, and are terrified by the thought). And yet, you’re his wife. You may be the only one who sees the situation and is in the position to speak. If you don’t bring it up, the results could be worse for everyone. So what do you do?
It is worth reading through the entire story of Esther for this study, but especially chapters 4-5, as they cover this full interaction. As we read, we see Esther prayed, she fasted, she consulted others. And then, she decided to host a banquet.
But for whatever reason, the moment wasn’t right. Did she chicken out? Did she sense the King’s heart was still too hard? Was she afraid of Haman’s interference? We’re not sure, but for whatever reason, even though the moment seemed to be there, she waited even longer. So often we just want to pour out that hard thing. It weighs on us. It hurts. Maybe it even makes us angry. But sisters, we must must must learn the principle of 1 Peter 5:7a.
We must learn to cast these cares on the Lord and pour out our hearts to him before we can approach our husbands. Like Nehemiah who prayed before making his petition known to the King, or Esther, who waited even another night, before making her heart known, when it comes to such large matters, we must be sensitive to the Lord to find just the right moment to bring up the matter.
When our hearts are full of love, when we’ve been able to express our care and adoration for him, when there is no question about our loyalty.
**Insert personal examples here
Sisters, too often we place our husbands in the place of God (I discuss this more in another article, here). We feel they should be able to handle all the hurt that’s in our hearts. But only our Lord can handle that. Too often, if we try to approach our husbands without first going to the Lord, and our words become a volcanic explosion of frustration and anger. But if we go first to the Lord, and we seek Him for wisdom as to how to approach, the Lord takes some of that initial anger in our hearts. He reminds us of our love for our husbands. He reminds us of how he is for them, too. Maybe he shows us something that we hadn’t seen before that helps us to be more merciful, or we remember something that helps us see the situation in a new light.
Scripture tells us the Lord gives wisdom to those who ask (James 1:5-6), and that the beginning of wisdom… is to get wisdom. (Proverbs 4:7)
As we wait before him, as we give him our first anger/sadnesss/troubles, the Lord begins to give us wisdom. Maybe he asks us to wait before we speak. Maybe, like Peter, he asks us to first lead by our changing ourselves. Maybe, like Esther, he leads us to go, and to speak to our King–but with grace, and gentleness, and after we’ve been before the Lord and prayed and greatly and maybe fasted about the matter. Only the Lord can take our heavy burden. Only the Lord can relieve our deepest pain. Only the Lord can meet us and teach us and give us wisdom as to how to approach.
But as we go to him, he shows us the way. As we pour out our burden to the Lord, he refines ues, he humbles us, and he takes that fury or anger or extreme sadness that only he can handle, and allows us to approach our husbands in a way that is softer, kinder, more readily able to be received.
These are not easy conversations, but with the Lord going before us to prepare hearts, working in us, to speak gentle words, to approach with mercy, remembering how we have also received much mercy (Matthew 18:33, Ephesians 4:32), and walking gently, listening closely for that still small voice in your heart, “now is the time to speak,” “don’t bring up that part” “wait a little longer” by God’s grace, Haiman and his sin, can be routed before us.
May the Lord have mercy, and give us wisdom for these difficult and tender moments.
Other thoughts for further meditation and discussion:
- What does it look like to forgive before we approach?
- If we’re often quick to confront our husbands, what may it look like to slow down? Why may it be beneficial?
- If we’re often slow to confront our husbands, what may it look like to bring certain subjects up to him? Why may it be beneficial?
- How could we help our relationships by walking out 1 Peter 5:7?
Find more from this series, Wives from the Word, here
