Laying a Foundation for Sexual Purity in the Early Years
I wrote this article years ago, but due to the deeply personal nature of this topic, I hesitated to post it here. For some years, this article ran with another publication. That website no longer exists, but the need for discussions around this topic is only growing. I’m reposting this here with reservation, but with burden–that these simple principles from scripture will help us begin these conversations with our children.
These are hard topics to write about. Some of these scenarios are hard to read. If I could offer only one suggestion in all of these words it would be this: read the word with your kids. Read the real Bible. The hard parts. The uncomfortably yucky parts. All of it. God’s word is full of sexual immorality. It tells us how we get there, and it tells us the result. And laced through all of scripture are warnings over and over again… Flee. Run away. Cover. Call on his name. Be strong in the word. Don’t face battles alone. The more you read scripture, the more you discover how much is there for “training in life in godliness” for truly *every* situation. In this article, I’ve attempted to share just a few stories that have been life to our family, around which we’ve had many good discussions.
As we’ve read through the Bible over and over these last 7 years… I’ve had many conversations with the Lord, “Do we skip the hard parts?” And yet, what I’ve found, almost always, is that those hard, uncomfortable chapters that make us squirm and ask, “Do we realllly have to talk about this?” … often lead to greatest, most heartfelt discussions–about the heart of God and about his heart and purpose for us.
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Because of the sensitive nature of this topic, you may catch a little more of my heart by listening to this article as I read it. An audio blog is available on the Momma Theologians podcast. Find it at the link below:
“Mommy, she asked me to take off my clothes.” Her voice was quiet.
It was bedtime, and I was making the rounds to tuck my children in, pausing by each bed to ask about their day.
“I didn’t do it. That’s wrong, right?”
Her innocent response terrified and relieved my heart at the same time.
But somehow, I wasn’t surprised. As my husband and I have worked among teens and young adults for the last 20 years, stories like these have become all too common. An older teen abuses a younger one at a youth event. A brother lifts the covers from his sister while she sleeps. One sibling spies on another while they change in a nearby room. Friends, it is hard to write these things without tears rising in my eyes. “That’s horrible,” we shudder, “but it would never happen in my family.”
Yet, all these incidents happened in Christian homes, with loving parents, who vigorously fought to keep their children safe. Too often, a parent comes to us, terrified by a recent discovery of sexual sin in the home. And too often, we sadly assure them, “No, you’re not the only one.”
We can’t help but exclaim, “My brethren, these things should not be!” James 3:10
As Christian parents, we long to keep our children pure. We set guards on our computers, we limit screen time and negative friendships, and we pray our kids will never run into another child (or teen or adult) who turns their eyes toward evil things. But inwardly, we wonder: is it only a matter of time? And many of us have crashed into that moment already.
Jesus taught his disciples to be “wise as serpents, yet innocent as doves.” But what does that look like? As I’ve read through the word with my children, we’ve stumbled upon several stories that have helped us begin these difficult conversations.
Lesson One: Turn away from Nakedness.
Hidden between God’s rainbow covenant with Noah and the tower of Babel, we find a story often kept from children’s Bibles. In truth, we may prefer to skip past this story of a drunken Noah, lying naked in his tent. (see Genesis 19:18-28)
But God left this passage here for us to notice, and it’s filled with valuable lessons. Aside from the practical warning against drunkenness, we see two clear responses to nakedness. One son (or grandson) discovers his naked father, looks on, and rushes to tell his brothers. But when Shem and Japheth hear the news, they immediately go to cover their father’s nakedness, walking backward to avoid even a glimpse of his naked body.1*
“Flee temptation,” the Bible tells us. (Genesis 39, 1 Corinthians 6:18, James 4:7, 2 Timothy 2:22) “Be careful little eyes what you see,” we sing. Whether it’s a sibling streaking from the bathroom, a door opened accidentally, or a cleavage-baring woman who suddenly appears on the screen, Noah’s sons give us a clear picture of how to respond (and how not to respond) to nakedness. As we raise our children, let’s remind them often: when you see nakedness, turn away.
Lesson Two: Look for the way of Escape.
One of the first verses I memorized after arriving at college was 1 Corinthians 10:13, “But with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape.” As we train our children to overcome sin, we want them to know this principle: Look to God to provide a way out. “For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved,” Paul tells us. Sometimes, God’s promise of salvation is a real, physical deliverance, like Paul’s salvation from the lion’s mouth or the disciples’ salvation amid rocky seas. (see Matthew 8:25, 2 Timothy 4:17)
We can’t be with our children every hour of the day; but we can prepare them to flee uneasy situations, uttering those quick “Lord, help” prayers while looking for a way out. “You will be tempted,” we warn our children, “You will run into sinful things that capture your eyes,” we caution. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil was “delightful to look at” and “desirous.” But “If sinners entice you, my son, turn away.” Our Lord Jesus was tempted in every way as we are, yet remained without sin. (Hebrews 4:15) If we call on him in time of need, he will send help and open the way of escape.
Lesson Three: Watch, Pray, and Stick Together
We find another lesson in the book of Nehemiah. When the young leader returns to Jerusalem to rebuild the temple, word arrives that enemies are hovering nearby. Immediately, Nehemiah sets up a guard and “stations the people in families.” As he brings the families together to build, he equips them with swords, encouraging,
“Do not be afraid! Remember the Lord, who is great and terrible, and fight for your children, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses.” (see Nehemiah 4:13-14)
“Be on the alert,” Peter tells us. “The enemy is seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)
But Nehemiah knew a secret: we’re stronger against the enemy when we stand together. We’re stronger when we’re equipped with the sword, reading the word together and prayerfully fighting for our families.
Whether “the enemy” is a visiting friend or an unmonitored screen, if something seems suspicious, keep the family together. In our home, doors stay open. Screens remain in the living room. Secrets are shared (except fun ones that have an ending**), and following the example of James Dobson, Tim Challies, and others, our children don’t do sleepovers. Yes, we want to testify to our children’s unsaved friends, and we pray to that end—but we also keep the family together as we try to reach them.
Lesson Four: Keep a Daily Check-In
Finally, make a point to get one-on-one with your children each day. So often, I long to rush through bedtime, eager for a moment alone after a busy day. But usually, if I linger just a little longer at their bedside, my children open up, and I’m able to ask, “Bear, are you okay?” “Pookie, what happened with Jay today?” In the safety of a cozy bed and Mom’s attentive ear, my children willingly share their hearts.
Mommas, it may seem crazy to have conversations with a five-year-old about turning from nakedness. It may seem unnecessarily harsh to keep a 1st grader from her class sleepover. And my intent is not to worry your hearts or cause you to hover over your children every waking moment of the day. God is able to keep our children from stumbling. (Jude 1:24) The God who watches over us neither slumbers nor sleeps. (Psalm 121:4) That is the God whom we trust, not only for ourselves but also for our children.
But as we trust him, we train our children.
“Solid food is for the mature, Hebrews tells us, “who on account of habit, have had their senses trained, for discerning good and evil.” (Hebrews 5:14)
My 5-year-old doesn’t understand about perversion or sexual abuse or the way pornography can wreak havoc and destroy a family. But if he accidentally walks in on you in the bathroom, he will immediately look to the ground and cover his face. It may seem like a small thing now, but as habits are trained, this little boy’s conscience is being shaped to turn away at the first site of nakedness.
If even now, we can develop small habits in our children, maybe, just maybe, by God’s grace, and on account of His great keeping, we will reap the rewards in future days. May God help us as we train and travail for our children.
a few further thoughts…
As I’ve shared these concepts with others over the years, questions quickly arise: But what about my family? What about children bathing together? When should I be concerned about my children seeing “nakedness”? How can I distinguish between innocent curiosity and sinful lust? And I don’t have answers to all these questions. With each household, I’d encourage you to seek the Lord and ask him these questions.
a word on training:
But habits are formed early on. Evil images often stay with you for years, even life. And while it’s not wrong for a young child to walk into the bathroom and see a sibling’s naked body, we wouldn’t want our children to linger there and watch. In our home, my children have been looking away from naked images since they were just 4 and 5. At 4 and 5, there was nothing “sinful” in their interactions with nakedness. Yet now, at 10 and 12, I’ve seen my children turn away as an image flashes on the screen or drop their eyes to the floor as we walk through a store.
That’s what “training” does. It shapes the conscience of our children, so that as they grow older, something within them knows, I shouldn’t look at this.
Years ago, Casting Crowns released a song entitled, “Slow Fade”. In it, a line reads, “It’s the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings.” It’s not the first sighting of nakedness that will stumble our children, but the lingering, and the opportunity to linger or explore that will cause them to sin. When we encourage our children to turn away in these early years, we strengthen their conscience with a view that’s looking to the future.
a word on intuition:
But you know your children. Sometimes, you can almost sense when they have a guilty conscience or seem to be hiding something. Follow up on those intuitive leadings. At one point, I noticed one of my children being a little secretive about a game they were playing on the tablet. The game was fine. But what I discovered as I followed up on one of those “intuitive leadings,” was that there was a scantily-clad girl that danced every time the game began. At first, my child resisted telling me, but eventually, almost with relief, they showed me every app on the tablet that included this “dancing” person. We deleted each game together and resolved not to use free games anymore.
watch, and pray
Friends, we trust the Lord and we travail in prayer, but we also stand on guard. As someone who has counseled both abuse victims and abusers in ministry, and has seen many young couples and marriages on the verge of divorce or end in divorce because of porn use, we can’t afford to just give our children a tablet, or leave them alone for hours with a visiting friend.
This article isn’t intended to give all the answers. It doesn’t and it can’t. Some have suggested that possibly it leaves more questions than answers … that’s okay. For some, it may call to the surface deep hurts and uncertainties. Hopefully, it will direct our hearts to the Lord, to bring our questions to him. To watch and to pray. To perhaps fellowship or counsel with a local friend whom you trust spiritually. Above all these things, Jesus is our Lord, and it is a privilege to be able to bring all of these very complex things–to Him.
footnotes and references:
[1*] Some Bible scholars feel it was Canaan who saw and told because he received the curse.
**Years ago I had some fellowship with an older sister in the Lord who was abused as a child. She made this distinction for me and it was incredibally helpful. Secrets (like birthday parties, surprise gifts, vacations, etc) have an ending date, when the secret will be revealed. We should help our children understand that we should never keep a “permanent” secret from parents.
James 3:10
Matthew 10:16
Genesis 19:18-28
Genesis 39, 1 Corinthians 6:18, James 4:7, 2 Timothy 2:22
Romans 10:13
Matthew 8:25, 2 Timothy 4:17
Genesis 3:6
Proverbs 1:10
Hebrews 4:15
Nehemiah 4:13-14
1 Peter 5:8
Jude 1:24
Psalm 121:4
Hebrews 5:14
