When God doesn’t feel close anymore

This article is a continuation of the article, “When Bible Reading Feels Disconnected”. If you have never had a steady, devotional time each day where you are meeting with the Lord, you may want to start there – and check back here later. 

You’ve been reading the Bible for some time. You’ve tasted his presence with you so sweet. You’ve been blessed in the word. You’ve been amazed by the word, and how you open the Bible, and BAM – He just shows up? Like – what? How? “God- how did you know this EXACTLY is what I needed now?”

“God, You’re Too Cool!”

Yes, God does that. When I first became a Christian, my often-repeated phrase was  “God, you’re too cool!” Because he is – and he was – and he does do those crazy things to give you just what you need and speak to you through that random Bible flip or that spot in the devo being exactly what you needed that day … and it is wonderful. And God is sooo good to us. Always. But I think especially in our early days of Bible reading, the Lord often lets us experience this special, almost “magical” way in the Bible. It’s not magic, of course, it’s just our good, good Father delighting to reveal himself and giving good gifts to the children he loves. And it’s wonderful.

But sometimes, especially for those who have a true heart for the Lord, I think something happens. And all of a sudden we don’t feel God anymore.

And there is that cry in our hearts, “Did I do something wrong? Where has my beloved gone?” 

“God, Where Did You Go?

Were all of those good feelings in my imagination?”

My husband and I have been working with teens and college students and young adults for many years. And it always seems like the most zealous, the most passionate for the Lord, the ones with the regular daily Bible reading – get a couple years into their walk with the Lord – and this seems to happen.

They don’t feel him anymore.

Not just for a morning. Not just because they’re too tired. Not because they have some sin in the way, or have failed in some great way.

Then just don’t feel him. And with the loss of feeling, there is a temptation to give up.

And often the questions come …

Why do  I sit before Him and feel nothing?

Why does Bible reading feel so heavy when it used to feel so joyful?

I’m reading the word, over and over, and still, nothing stands out to me.

I’ve been through several long seasons of feeling nothing during my Bible reading times. One season happened when my emotions were a little bit unstable. Another time, I’m pretty sure it was a season the Lord wanted me to seek Him through. One season went on for months, another time, several years. They both were difficult, but I learned many things through this time.

In the beginning especially, it was so hard, because I was so used to feeling him. I would feel him so strongly that I just wanted to skip class and be in his presence all day long. Who needs college classes when you can bask in the presence of the Lord all day long (I don’t recommend this, but it was the feeling I got swept up into).  The feelings were so strong. I lived in my feelings. It was a great help and protection as I went through college because no atheist student or college professor could tell me God didn’t exist. I knew God was real because I felt him all around and he answered me all the time in his word.

But when all of a sudden I didn’t, it seemed like something was terribly wrong.

“Where has my beloved gone?”  

It felt like the Lord had abandoned me.

There are many wonderful books and messages that go through this. The Spiritual Man by Watchman Nee is a masterpiece of describing the seasons and experiences that we go through as we seek after the Lord. And there are many wonderful books, especially on the Song of Songs, that compare the maiden’s experiences with our journey as a Christian. So I won’t even try to go into all of the many experiences the Lord is leading us through, how he is building faith in us through all of this, how he is preparing us. And of course, all of us need slightly different dealings as we seek after Him.

But as I went through one of these seasons, the Lord met me with a verse that I held onto. It’s the story of Jacob in Genesis 32, when the angel of the Lord meets him and wrestles with him through the night. And right as the morning is about to dawn, the angel of the Lord says to him, “Let me go, for the dawn is rising …”  but Jacob says, “I will not let you go until you bless me.”

I will not let you go, until you bless me

He has fought all night, he is tired and weary. The Lord is giving him the way out – just go, and be on your way. And I think sometimes, when the Lord stops meeting us during these times in the Bible – or at least stops meeting us with such a strong feeling – we want to give up. We want to say, “I did show up, I did try – and God failed me.”

But did he? Or is he just calling us on to more?

“I love those that love me, and they that seek me earnestly shall find me” (Prov. 8:17)

Or what about this one, “They that seek me shall find me when they search for me with their whole heart…” (Jer. 29:13)

And this one from the Song of Songs, “I went out … I sought him whom my soul loveth, I sought him, but I found him not” …. but does she give up? No, “I rose up, I went out …” and she continues her search. (vs. 3:1,2)

A Life of Faith

As we grow with the Lord, sometimes he pulls back that feeling, because he wants that life of faith to develop.

Of course, we should always check with the Lord to see if there is any sin or anything he’s asked us to deal with that we are ignoring because if we’re not keeping a clean conscience with God, of course, he can feel distant. (see 1 Tim 1:9) But many, many believers who are keeping a clean conscience and seeking to follow God with their whole heart crash into what feels like this wall.

Why?

Because God wants us to seek Him to know him and to know more of him, not for that feeling – but for Himself alone. If you’ve never heard the famous hymn, Himself, by A.B. Simpson, it is worth looking up, printing it out, and memorizing. God wants us to wrestle with him. He wants us to seek him through the dark night, through the heaviness, through the lack of feelings –  and to tell him, “Lord, I won’t give up, until you bless me.” or “Lord, I don’t feel you, but here I am by faith, I want to know you more.”

If you lose that “feeling” as you are seeking the Lord – don’t give up. Don’t get discouraged. Don’t think God has abandoned you. Take encouragement – it means you’re growing, and he’s trying to get you to exercise that spirit “muscle”, that he has placed deep within you. He wants you to know Him in those inner depths of your being and be able to rejoice in him whether days are happy or sad. “Rejoice in the Lord always” is not a feeling. Feelings come and go. Depression sinks on us. Those closest to us die, and family troubles abound.  Many we love are hurt and suffer great loss and despair in this world. “In this world, you will have trouble,” (Jn 16:33) Jesus promised. This world is filled with many feelings that are not amazing and wonderful. And God has promised persecution, difficulties, and hardship – for all who desire to live Godly lives in Christ Jesus. (see 2 Tim 3:12) If we can only serve him and seek him when all is well – we are of no use to our beloved Lord and King.

Deeper Roots

He’s preparing us and equipping us for whatever life may bring, to represent Him to the world, to be able to stand strong in difficult days, to be able to one day rule and reign with him. Did you know a plant’s roots go deeper when the plants don’t get watered? To be able to grab hold of someone and something greater than a feeling and show the world there is a hope – greater than a feeling – who is worth holding onto. Without faith, no one can please God (Hebrews 11:6). But with faith, “all things are possible to him who believes”. (Mark 9:23). This is a life of faith that he is growing us into.

So if your “God’s presence feelings” are a little dormant right now, don’t worry. Yes, seek the Lord to see if there is anything wrong, to see if you have a sin to confess and apologize for, to see if you have something you’re not doing that you should be. But if your heart is clear before the Lord – just go forward. “Faith it,” my husband often shares. Feelings will come back again, he hasn’t abandoned you forever. But he’s growing you. He’s calling you on to something even more special, a deeper communion with him, a greater usability in the future. So hold on tight. Grab hold of the promises in his word. And let him know you’re willing to seek Him and go all the way with him.

“I won’t let you go, until you bless me.”

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