10 Ways to Keep JOY in Marriage

This article was originally published in September 2014, and was one of the first things shared on this blog. It’s since been republished with slight edits in 2018, and again in December of 2023. I’ve always been burdened about this topic of marriage, and curious about what the Bible says about it. For twenty+ years I’ve been studying and taking notes … recently, I started sharing some of them. Find more in this new series, “Wives from the Word,” and follow along as we dive deeper into the many wives listed in scripture. (There will be many more coming, but so far you can find posts on Esther, Job’s Wife, Lot’s Wife, Achsah, Sarah, Hagar, and Delilah.) It’s hard for me to choose, but I think the one on Job’s wife may be my favorite. If you do read through these—leave a comment. I’d love to hear which one spoke to you.  

Fifteen years ago, after an awkward kiss (It was our first) before a small congregation of people, my husband and I said our “I do’s” and committed our lives to each other. We were young and naive about much of what was ahead of us—but full of joy.

I remember a conversation we had, only months into our marriage.

“Do you think it’s possible to always remain in first love?”

We were discussing the passage in Revelation 2, when the Lord rebukes the church for “forgetting her first love” (2:4). We were talking about the Lord, but we also saw the connection within our own marriage. Most of the older adults we knew (if they were still married) seemed to kind of just—tolerate each other, if that. Was this just something that was destined to happen? Could we be 25 or 35 or—yikes— 70, and still have that same, joyful, fullness of “first love” that we were experiencing now?

Well, we’re not yet 70, but 40 is pretty close.** And I can testify: It’s not only possible, but it’s also wonderful. And that love that began, was really that, only the beginning of a deepening, wonderful, much more full love.

Sure, we’ve been through our share of conflicts and frustration. We’re still raising toddlers and kiddos and lack many years. But in these first years, the Lord has shown a few things along the way, things I wish someone had told me a little earlier. Some are little, others are much bigger (and obviously, I’m leaving many things out). But these lessons come back to me repeatedly, learned firsthand, through many failures, much forgiveness, and much grace.

It is the most joyful thing to be married. Not without work, sacrifice, and a deep giving of yourself. But aren’t those things we give the most for the things that become the most precious to us?

So I share here, a few lessons learned along the way.

1) Seek opportunities to say, “Thank you for…”, “I appreciate you because…” and “Ohh, you look good today.”

Of course, be real. Don’t make stuff up. But also don’t assume that he knows it. If you say, “I love you”, tell him one reason why, it means so much more. Don’t assume he’s strong and okay and already knows. Don’t think it will make him proud or cocky or conceited. He faces a whole pile of junk as soon as he steps out the door for work. All the pressures of this life, all the voices that yell at him and make him feel like junk. So affirm him. Let your words bless him, and let him know that he is truly appreciated.

Over and over, the word is filled with phrases like “overflowing with gratitude” and “with an attitude of thanksgiving” “and be thankful” “I thank my God for you…”  Do we have that attitude of thankfulness for our husbands? For the home and arrangement that God has given us? Have we seen the good in them? If so, let’s tell them. If we haven’t, let’s get on our knees and ask God to open our eyes to see.

2) Pay attention to his likes and dislikes.

Pack his favorite snack when he goes off to work. Make a surprise late-night treat at the end of the day. If you know he likes it when you wear a certain shirt, or he dislikes it when you leave your hair in the bathtub (guilty), try to make a mental note of these things. Some of these hidden little things may go unnoticed at times, but over time, they make a big difference.

3) When he starts talking, stop what you’re doing.

Set down the phone, sisters. Forget about your agenda or the 1000 things you must accomplish. Just stop. Keep your mouth closed. And listen. It takes a lot for a guy to open his heart. If he does, treasure this rare moment and keep quiet, otherwise, he may not share the treasures of his heart with you next time. (or be hurt and just shut up quickly)

4) And while you’re at it … Hold your tongue.

Not just when he’s talking, but especially in an argument or when you’re upset about something. Give anger a chance to pass. Even just one minute. Seriously. There’s a reason James told us to be “slow to speak.” Just 60 seconds and suddenly that furious remark you were about to spew out doesn’t seem quite necessary. (Throw up a prayer during that 60 seconds and watch as God melts your heart. It works.) And sisters, if we’re able to hold back those quick, spiteful remarks, we may save hours (or days) of agony in the house for everyone (and chances are, you will forget you were even angry within a few minutes.)

5) Pray for him daily.

The Bible talks about men being won by their wives, “without a word…” (1 Peter 3:1). Sometimes it seems like something is off or not right with your husband. Maybe you see he is down and depressed and discouraged.

It is natural for us to want to fix it and make it right—or to pester until he pours out his heart (like Delilah, and we know how that went). But sometimes he doesn’t want to. Or can’t. Or even shouldn’t. Besides, it’s not for us to fix our husband—that’s for God to do.

So pray for him often. If you do see a fault or notice something seems wrong, don’t broadcast it to your family or friends. Don’t go running to him right away. Take it to the Lord in prayer. And wait. And pray. “Love is patient.” Another translation says, “Love suffers long” (1 Cor 13:4a)

• It is wonderful if you can pray together daily and read some portion of scripture individually and together. But don’t nag. You can ask gently, but if this isn’t something he is into, just pray for opportunities and be faithful to pray and read the bible daily on your own.
• If you are so blessed to have a husband who wants to retreat for prayer and escape for some healthy cave time in the word, oh let him! If he values this time more than you or wants to retreat by himself for a few minutes after a grueling day at work, count yourself blessed. And let him. There is nothing in you that can revive or strengthen your husband more than him having precious communion with the Lord. So if you are blessed to have a husband who wants to retreat for a little while, let him. He will be a better husband and father for it. Let him love God more than you. You’ll reap the blessing, I promise.

6) Don’t deprive him.

Did I really include this? Yes *blush* I did.

You’re tired. You have many tasks to do. Your mind is thinking about all of the chores for tomorrow. After a long day, you just want a minute alone to process, or be still, or scroll through the phone. But if your husband wants your heart, your mind, your body—can you deny yourself and take a few extra minutes and bless Him? I know this isn’t stuff we usually talk about.

But since we’re talking about marriage, we wives need to ditch the “I’m tired” excuse.

Do you remember what Christ has done for us? How he lay down his life for us? Yes, I may sound crazy, but I think it applies to the marriage bed too. Deny yourself from your tiredness. Deny your thoughts from yourself and all that you think you deserve at that moment. And bless your husband with a joyful response to his desire. If you truly have no strength (because yes, after a day caring for our children, often this is the case), then ask the Lord for help to bless your husband at this moment. But sisters, we serve a living God who cares about our whole being—spirit, soul, and body. He cares about our husbands. He cares about our marriages. He will help and answer these crazy prayers!

There is an ugly world out there. Images that seek to steal your husband’s eyes. Other girls who will appreciate him.

Bless your husband in the bedroom. Make it a bed he wants to come to at night. Fight for your husband in your marriage bed. Fight for his eyes. Fight for his heart. (Yes, I know there’s another side to this conversation and many more aspects to consider, but at least hear this one for a moment)

Of course, marriage is more than sex. But a healthy, joyful marriage should include sex. Bless Him. Honor Him. Give yourself to Him fully in the marriage bed. A healthy marriage bed is a wonderful defense against all that the world wants use to distract your husband. I wouldn’t have included this if I didn’t think it was truly important. A joyful marriage should include sex. And often.

7) Don’t make a small thing into a big thing.

Maybe you don’t have an extra $20 to spend, but he wants to take a friend out for dinner. Maybe he said something that made you cringe. Maybe he was short with you on his way out the door. Maybe he forgot to call you at work one day. (And is completely oblivious that this hurt you) These are small things. These are not things worthy of a fight.

You may be hurt. But your response can either turn this into nothing, or a gigantic fight. Teach your heart to “pivot” when that first hurt comes.

Learn to let go of hurts. Learn to pray when you see something that should change. Because these little things are truly that—little things. Don’t let your response change that. If you do feel there is something fault or problem that needs to be brought up, first wait. Pray. Wait. Pray. Wait. Pray some more. Sometimes, the Lord will fix it without you saying a word (Remember #5?). If you do need to address a problem, wait until another time when he knows you care and love him, when it isn’t a reaction to something. Then, with kindness and gentleness, prayerfully share with him your concern. Esther shows us a wonderful way to do this.

8) Let him lead, with much prayer.

Yes, we are called to submit. The Lord has created men and women differently (That’s another post for another time). But submission is not passive. It doesn’t mean you’re a blanket with no opinion or will who just does exactly what your husband says.

You are his heart. You are the one who brings kindness and gentleness when he sees only facts. You are meant to work together.

Yes, he’s called to lead. And each time you let him lead, you strengthen him as a man. So when he says, “Let’s move here” or “Why don’t you consider this … ?” Or, “Can we talk about …?” Pause. Listen. Consider. If you’re freaked out, and you think he’s wrong—give yourself to prayer. But don’t cast the whole idea off right away. Sometimes we may think our husbands are not a “leader type” (and maybe it’s true), but can we help them but being just a little bit quieter? Just a little slower to respond? And quicker to listen? Not to shut up, nor to make ourselves something we’re not. But can we take that extra moment to pause and give heed to his leading?

Bibical submission is ACTIVE. We’re not doormats. We don’t just go with whatever he says. We may disagree with our husbands leading, but we’re actively “giving ourselves to prayer.” (Ps 109:4) We’re waiting for that Esther-type moment to speak up. We’re disagreeing, but with a heart of love, on your knees in prayer, speaking up with “gentleness” Let him make the final decision. But don’t think you are excused. Seek the Lord. Pray for your husband. And do not withhold your heart.

9) Don’t withhold forgiveness.

In a strange way, sometimes I think we like the “feeling” of being mad.

We want Him to KNOW that we are mad and that HE made us mad. Doesn’t he realize what a jerk he was? Doesn’t he know how hurt we are? Maybe, but often times, no, he doesn’t.

And you know what: it’s okay. Sometimes, we need to let go of our anger. Of that “desire” to be mad. Just as Christ forgave us, “while we were still enemies,” (Romans 5:8, Ephesians 4:32) we are called to do the same. Can we forgive him before he says he’s sorry? Can we remember how many times our Lord has forgiven us, and let go of our own hurts, even if he never apologizes? (Really, he may be ignorant). Whatever you do, don’t ever keep a list of wrongs in the back of your mind to explode with the next time he hurts you or makes the same mistake.

And please, please, please, —remember #6? Girls, when we hold onto our unforgiveness, and we bring it into the marriage bed—this is a recipe for disaster.

A thousand problems can be solved in our hearts if we will only make the first step to extend our love to our husbands. Remember the Lord’s love for us?

“While we were still sinners … Christ died for us” and “while we were God’s enemies …we were reconciled” (Romans 5:8, 10).

Your heart may be hurting as you lie down in bed at night. You may have many sadnesses and grief and heaviness between you. But if you can look up to the Lord, and get the grace to extend your hand, and let yourself reach out—even physically—while your heart is still hurting, sometimes the healing will come as soon as you let yourself begin to be joined together again, in body.

Within marriage, sex is truly a gift from God—and a wonderful way to be reminded afresh of your love for each other.

10) Be a joyful wife, not a nagging, “drippy faucet”.

When a woman shows her husband that she loves, esteems, and enjoys him, she strengthens him to be a better husband and daddy. When she shows him she appreciates him and compliments his successes (instead of pointing out his failures), she makes him want to be helpful around the house. When she listens and encourages his good ideas, she makes him want to come home after work and spend time with her and listen to her heart.

To the naysayers that say this is old-fashioned, Maybe. But this is beauty. This is a successful marriage. No marriage is successful without a spouse willing to deny themselves and bless the other. But when you deny yourself and try to bless your husband, it almost always comes back to bless you.

Enjoy your husband, laugh with your husband (in the marriage bed too), and he’ll want to be with you. But if we nag, and nag some more; if we list things he’s doing wrong, or all the things you think he could be doing better, he probably will just feel like running away. So try not to be that “drippy faucet” (Proverbs 19:13, 27:15). Rejoice in your husband. Seek to be the joyful wife who receives him home each day with joy and sends him fun notes or pictures of the kiddos during the day. When a woman fully gives her heart and her life and her joy to her husband, he longs to be with her and please her. He may even start doing some of those needed things without us even asking.

And what about those things we want to nag about? That project he said he’d finish two months ago? Relax, they’ll get done eventually.

It’s better to have a happy marriage than a house that looks like it came out of a magazine.

And honestly, if he forgets to take out the trash, or neglects his dirty laundry, would it hurt to do it ourselves, with joy, glad to be able to come alongside and help our husband through his busy day?

Final thoughts.

Girls, this isn’t stuff we can do on our own. We can’t forgive. We can’t love. We can’t let go of our own ideas and ways and wants —except by His strengthening. You can try. And these are probably things that would help any marriage, even those who don’t have a relationship with God.

But without the Lord, we can’t sustain it.

Without Christ, we will come to a point where we can’t forgive.

Without Christ, we will remember every wrong.

Without Christ, we will get so frustrated at repeating sins and circumstances that don’t disappear overnight, we will be tempted to give up.

But with Christ, all things really are possible.

In Christ, a broken marriage can be restored.

In Christ, an unbelieving spouse can be won.

In Christ, a faltering spouse can be brought back from the error of his ways.

And in Christ, even a tired, weary, couple … can become passionate and joyful and full of first love again.

Give yourself wholly to the Lord, to live according to what He has asked of you in marriage. Give yourself to prayer, to travail for your husband, and I can almost guarantee you will see things change.

“…but what about my husband? What if he doesn’t change right away?”

What does the Lord say to Peter, when he asks, “But Lord, what about him?”

“What is that to you, *you* follow me.”

Do what you feel like the Lord is showing you. Start by praying. Begin complimenting and looking for areas to praise. Don’t be fake, but ask the Lord to give you a fresh appreciation. Forgive. If you can’t, go and get on your knees in desperation and cry with the Lord until He answers. You change first. And then, as the scriptures say, “so that the man may be won, without a word, by the behavior of his wife” (1 Pet. 3:1).

And “the husband is sanctified by the believing wife” (1 Cor. 7:14)

So that as it is written, “let God be found true, and every man a liar” (Rom 3:4)

So let’s be in prayer, until what He says is manifested true on this earth, in us, and in our marriage.

***Since this article was first published, 40 has come and gone. I’ve also watched the marriages of many friends, even dear Christian friends, end in divorce. My husband and I have prayed and counseled many going through horrible, yucky situations. Marriage is complex. And issues of divorce, pornography, gambling, abuse, money troubles, addiction, lust, adultery, etc … all make things far more complex than this list can answer or address.

The problem is most couples don’t seek help until those larger problems appear. And I wonder … how many of these larger problems never would have happened… if we’d treated these smaller details like they’re just a little more important?

Faithfulness in the small things matters. Listening matters. Seeing and noticing and valuing your spouse matters. Forgiving over and over and over again … is imperative to keep both hearts in love with each other. The crazy thing is … the deeper the forgiveness… often, the deeper the reciprocated love. “The one who has been forgiven much, loves much.” (Luke 7:47) The greater the sacrifice, the deeper the love. “We know love by this, that he lay down his life and we ought to lay down our lives…” (1 John 3:16) … It’s true of the Lord. It’s true in the church. It’s also true in marriage.

There are undoubtedly more things I would add to this list if I wrote again, and yet, I still stand by all of these. What would you add? Leave a comment to add your ‘lessons learned’ to this list. Looking for more? This free printable contains some of my favorite marriage advice (No, it’s not mine). These Maxims on Marriage from Dr. C.H. Yu have been a blessing to my husband and I and we often frame and personalize them to give as wedding gifts.